We’ve all heard the advice: “You just have to choose to forgive.”
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Like you can just snap your fingers, let go of the past, and magically float into a state of peaceful bliss. But if you’ve ever actually tried to forgive someone after a deep betrayal, a childhood wound, or years of complex family dynamics, you know it rarely works that way.
In a recent episode of Hypothetically Intentional, my good friend (and boomerang podcast guest!) Javier Santana joined me for an unscripted, deeply honest conversation about what the forgiveness journey really looks like. And spoiler alert: it’s messy, it’s layered, and it doesn’t happen on anyone else’s timeline.
When Javi and I sat down to talk, one of the first things that came up was how frustrating it can be when people act like forgiveness is as easy as flipping a light switch.
Sure, on a big-picture level, we choose whether we want to head in the direction of healing. But the actual path? That requires exploring what’s underneath the hurt. You can’t just jump straight to peace without acknowledging the anger, the grief, and the feeling that you deserve to be pissed off for a little while!
Sometimes, you need to feel that anger before you can ever access the sadness underneath it. Trying to bypass those feelings just to cross “forgiveness” off your spiritual to-do list doesn’t work. Real healing requires us to let the stuff into the room, witness it, and decide our relationship to it.
One of my favorite parts of our conversation was when Javi shared how he finally processed the anger he held toward his late father. Years after his dad passed away, Javi buckled a seatbelt into his passenger seat, drove for three hours, and had a raw, unfiltered, crying-and-yelling conversation with his father’s memory.
He realized that while his adult self understood his dad’s struggles, his 12-year-old self was still hurt by the canceled trips and the sudden absence.
I have a similar visual that comes up in my own work. I often imagine my adult self sitting on a curb under a streetlamp in the rain next to my 8-year-old or 14-year-old self. Who better to hold space for those younger, hurting parts of us than the version of us today who has gained wisdom and perspective?
Sometimes, forgiving someone else starts with sitting on the curb with your younger self and letting them feel everything they weren’t allowed or able to feel back then.
During our chat, Javi mapped out what he called the “Stages of Forgiveness”:
Where ever you are on that spectrum today, give yourself some grace. Being unwilling or unable to forgive right now doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you’re condemned to a miserable life. It just means your system is protecting you until you’re ready. So often there are other things that need to come first. Once we navigate that internal landscape and offer it what it needs, then we can move to getting ready to do the actual forgiving part.
For me, the physical sign that true forgiveness has happened is a shift in my breath. I’ve held my breath through so much of my life. But when a heavy weight finally releases—when I get to a place of genuine neutrality toward a person or situation—I notice I can take a full, deep breath.
Forgiveness isn’t about condoning what happened, and it certainly doesn’t mean giving someone access to your life again. It’s simply evicting them from renting free space in your head.
It is loving yourself enough to say, “You don’t get to control my energy anymore.”
Listen to the Full Episode:
Want to dive deeper into this organic, heartfelt conversation? Tune in to Season 4 Episode 17 of Hypothetically Intentional with guest Javier Santana on YouTube or your favorite podcast platform! This episode launched on August 30, 2026.